Spring is Here

Over the weekend I went to Coulon Beach with my friend Steven. The sun was out and the flowers were starting to blossom. It reminds me of when I arrived in Seattle. Who would have predicted everything that has happened in the past year. I have been in love, got heartbroken, dated, fell in love again and now wondering where life will take me.

It is as though mother nature is telling me that everything has a cycle and that it will all be okay. Love will go and it will come again. Autumn will come and winter will freeze everything, but spring will come again.

Sense of "I can't do it"

I have always been taught that the man that moved the mountain started with a stone. The word "can't" should not be in one's vocabulary and that if there is a will then there is a way. It is pretty much dependent on one's commitment to something and if you put your heart to something then great walls can be built and they can be moved too.

For the first time in my life I feel like I just can't do it anymore. The whole relationship thing. It takes too much out of me and drains me of who I am and what I want to be. I am the type of guy that changes my life for the other person and I am pretty much what one would describe as a doormat. A good welcoming doormat with nice pile and the word WELCOME written all over it.

When I was in Australia, I went through a year of postgraduate school to become a high school teacher in order to get my visa so that I could stay with my then boyfriend, whom I was eventually together for eight years. I didn't enjoy teaching at all. When I found my second boyfriend, I moved across the globe to Seattle for him and we all know how that one ended. Now with the third one I am wondering whether I should stay in Seattle for him after my visa expires in a month time. It means giving up my career of becoming a lawyer in Australia and not utilising my law degree for which I went to university for several years for.

The truth is that how many times do you look at someone and you have the feeling that you want to be with them for a very long time? How often do you miss someone when they don't see you for a day. Whether it is lust or love, the feeling cannot be denied. It is that feeling that many of us seem to long for. How do we know that the next one will come along when you skip this one or quit on this one? How does one know if you will be able to feel the same way about another person again?

The current boyfriend have always told me that love hurts. Tonight was the first time I agreed with him. Simply because it hurts to love him, not because I dislike him or that he is breaking my heart, but simply because I know that in 8 weeks I won't be able to live in America. It hurts because I want to be with him so bad and yet I can't!

So I can't do it. I can't be okay with being with someone I love so much and having to let him go. I can't be emotionally prepared for a huge fall and heartache. I can't be left wondering what ever happened to Mr. C and whether he is still okay and whether he has found love when I am old and all grey. I can't prepare myself for not being psychologically damaged. I can't be okay for not being able to see him whenever I want to. I can't be okay for not listening to his stories. I can't be okay with him playing games with me, hugs me, cuddle with me or kissing me. I can't be okay with never be able to argue with him or have fights with him again. I can't not be okay with any of this. I can't do it.

Tonight as he fell asleep next to me, my tears rolled down my eyes. Lot of it, he didn't know I was crying as the lights were out. I turned to Mr. C and I asked him, "can you promise me something." and in his sleepy voice he replied, "what". I told him that I wanted him to always remember that I love him and that roses by any other name would still be a rose. That love by any other word still would mean the same thing. So as I left the bedroom quietly to finish this blog, I keep wondering what the future holds for me. I always feel much better after typing this out, even though I know that it is just lost in cyber space and no one actually reads it.

Sense of Loss

A sense of loss to me, is a profound fear and detrimental feeling that something might come to an end and that you will no longer have it. My sense of loss is current, even thought I know that the deprivation will occur in the future. Must all good things come to an end? Must we all lose before we are able to gain?

Since Mr. C has became my boyfriend, there is not one single day that I have not had a profound sense of loss. Perhaps the sense of loss is not so much that I have lost something in the relationship but the fear that the relationship will come to an end. For nearly a month I have told him that I will stay in America, but life isn't so simple for a poor foreigner with very little options. I need to find a job that will be able to sponsor my visa. Without such job, my promises to stay is really void. Despite the fact that I have tried to look for jobs. There just aren't any out there that would meet the criteria for a E-3 Visa and therefore staying in America would not be an option. I have attempted to tell him to come to Australia with me, but he has declined. Unlike Australia, there is also no options for gay couples to apply for a visa. Also, the relationship is still at an early stage and I kept telling myself that I should leave America and follow my career in Australia. After all, I do have a law degree and business degree. I would also love to find a job as a lawyer.

Though he doesn't know it, everyday I look at him in the morning and I dread the innocent look he gives me as I know that in a couple of months I will have to leave. At night when he falls asleep next to me, I want to wake him up and tell him to talk to me a little longer. I don't want it all to end. I dream that some miracle will happen and that someone will offer me a job or that miraculously after writing a letter to Oprah Winfrey a job opportunity will come along.

The sad reality is that I don't know how to break the news to him. I have been denying it in order to enter into a relationship with him. I have been denying it to myself because I don't want it to end for me. When we are growing up, we hope to find the perfect man. When we get a little bit older we want to find Mr Right. It is rare and not very often that someone you think so right and so good a match will come along. I pray to God everyday as I fall asleep with teary eyes begging for mercy. I wake up to Mr. C's alarm as he leaves for work in the morning and I feel like I have lost a bit of myself as he closes that door behind himself.

So right now, I feel as thought I have came to a cross road. Without any options and with very little hope. I don't really know what to do as my sense of loss becomes greater and greater. I have also became more and more anxious everyday.

I also believed that when one door closes another opens. It is God's way of not ending one's road. For me Mr. C was a new door opening and I don't want this one to shut. So for now I will continue to pray and continue to dread what lies ahead. Does all good things have to come to an end? Why me? Why now?