Sense of Loss

A sense of loss to me, is a profound fear and detrimental feeling that something might come to an end and that you will no longer have it. My sense of loss is current, even thought I know that the deprivation will occur in the future. Must all good things come to an end? Must we all lose before we are able to gain?

Since Mr. C has became my boyfriend, there is not one single day that I have not had a profound sense of loss. Perhaps the sense of loss is not so much that I have lost something in the relationship but the fear that the relationship will come to an end. For nearly a month I have told him that I will stay in America, but life isn't so simple for a poor foreigner with very little options. I need to find a job that will be able to sponsor my visa. Without such job, my promises to stay is really void. Despite the fact that I have tried to look for jobs. There just aren't any out there that would meet the criteria for a E-3 Visa and therefore staying in America would not be an option. I have attempted to tell him to come to Australia with me, but he has declined. Unlike Australia, there is also no options for gay couples to apply for a visa. Also, the relationship is still at an early stage and I kept telling myself that I should leave America and follow my career in Australia. After all, I do have a law degree and business degree. I would also love to find a job as a lawyer.

Though he doesn't know it, everyday I look at him in the morning and I dread the innocent look he gives me as I know that in a couple of months I will have to leave. At night when he falls asleep next to me, I want to wake him up and tell him to talk to me a little longer. I don't want it all to end. I dream that some miracle will happen and that someone will offer me a job or that miraculously after writing a letter to Oprah Winfrey a job opportunity will come along.

The sad reality is that I don't know how to break the news to him. I have been denying it in order to enter into a relationship with him. I have been denying it to myself because I don't want it to end for me. When we are growing up, we hope to find the perfect man. When we get a little bit older we want to find Mr Right. It is rare and not very often that someone you think so right and so good a match will come along. I pray to God everyday as I fall asleep with teary eyes begging for mercy. I wake up to Mr. C's alarm as he leaves for work in the morning and I feel like I have lost a bit of myself as he closes that door behind himself.

So right now, I feel as thought I have came to a cross road. Without any options and with very little hope. I don't really know what to do as my sense of loss becomes greater and greater. I have also became more and more anxious everyday.

I also believed that when one door closes another opens. It is God's way of not ending one's road. For me Mr. C was a new door opening and I don't want this one to shut. So for now I will continue to pray and continue to dread what lies ahead. Does all good things have to come to an end? Why me? Why now?