Sense of "I can't do it"

I have always been taught that the man that moved the mountain started with a stone. The word "can't" should not be in one's vocabulary and that if there is a will then there is a way. It is pretty much dependent on one's commitment to something and if you put your heart to something then great walls can be built and they can be moved too.

For the first time in my life I feel like I just can't do it anymore. The whole relationship thing. It takes too much out of me and drains me of who I am and what I want to be. I am the type of guy that changes my life for the other person and I am pretty much what one would describe as a doormat. A good welcoming doormat with nice pile and the word WELCOME written all over it.

When I was in Australia, I went through a year of postgraduate school to become a high school teacher in order to get my visa so that I could stay with my then boyfriend, whom I was eventually together for eight years. I didn't enjoy teaching at all. When I found my second boyfriend, I moved across the globe to Seattle for him and we all know how that one ended. Now with the third one I am wondering whether I should stay in Seattle for him after my visa expires in a month time. It means giving up my career of becoming a lawyer in Australia and not utilising my law degree for which I went to university for several years for.

The truth is that how many times do you look at someone and you have the feeling that you want to be with them for a very long time? How often do you miss someone when they don't see you for a day. Whether it is lust or love, the feeling cannot be denied. It is that feeling that many of us seem to long for. How do we know that the next one will come along when you skip this one or quit on this one? How does one know if you will be able to feel the same way about another person again?

The current boyfriend have always told me that love hurts. Tonight was the first time I agreed with him. Simply because it hurts to love him, not because I dislike him or that he is breaking my heart, but simply because I know that in 8 weeks I won't be able to live in America. It hurts because I want to be with him so bad and yet I can't!

So I can't do it. I can't be okay with being with someone I love so much and having to let him go. I can't be emotionally prepared for a huge fall and heartache. I can't be left wondering what ever happened to Mr. C and whether he is still okay and whether he has found love when I am old and all grey. I can't prepare myself for not being psychologically damaged. I can't be okay for not being able to see him whenever I want to. I can't be okay for not listening to his stories. I can't be okay with him playing games with me, hugs me, cuddle with me or kissing me. I can't be okay with never be able to argue with him or have fights with him again. I can't not be okay with any of this. I can't do it.

Tonight as he fell asleep next to me, my tears rolled down my eyes. Lot of it, he didn't know I was crying as the lights were out. I turned to Mr. C and I asked him, "can you promise me something." and in his sleepy voice he replied, "what". I told him that I wanted him to always remember that I love him and that roses by any other name would still be a rose. That love by any other word still would mean the same thing. So as I left the bedroom quietly to finish this blog, I keep wondering what the future holds for me. I always feel much better after typing this out, even though I know that it is just lost in cyber space and no one actually reads it.