Sense of Autonomy

If there was ever a handbook about dating that would ensure that everything worked out the way it is suppose to then I would buy it. For example, how long do you have to wait until it is appropriate to give your apartment keys to someone that has asked for them? How long do you have to wait until you tell that person that you love them without jeopardizing your relationship? How long do you have to wait until you can differentiate between love and lust? How do you know whether the relationship will last? Is there a flow chart that I can follow?

These questions kept going back and forth in my mind. I also didn't want to screw up this time as I know that I didn't do very well with the last relationship. So where do I get these answers? I searched high and low. I Googled, I Yahooed and Wikied. Then it dawned on me that I wasn't really looking for a valid answer to these questions, but rather that I felt if I did give in to another person, then my sense of autonomy would disappear.

According to Steve Maier at the University of Boulder, the degree of control that organisms exert over something, determines whether or not the stressor alters an organism's functioning. His findings indicate that only uncontrollable stress cause damaging effects. Uncontrollable stress can be destructive, whereas the same stress that feels escapable is less destructive, significantly so.

If this was true then uncontrollable stress in a relationship can be destructive, unless we have an escape clause. The problem is that once you enter into one, there is no escape clause. Breaking up isn't escaping because the damage if any would have already been done and the pain lingers long after and there is no easy way out of such pain. Thus, we are wary of giving our keys out with the fear that we would lose our sense of being able to control our relationship. We stop ourselves from using the "L" word because we know that once we give in we might lose more control. We know that the more factors we give away the less autonomy we have and therefore we step deeper into the unknown.

I guess this is why brides love planning their weddings, because it gives them some sense of where the relationship is heading and therefore taking away the unknown. It also gives them a great sense of control over their immediate destiny.

So what do we do? Is it therefore a question of autonomy versus a potential happily ever after? Mr. C once said to me, "Boundaries don't keep other people out, they fence you in. You can waste your lives drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them!" Is our fear of uncontrollable stress preventing us from something potentially beautiful? Many before me have tried and lived. Many times I, myself have attempted such fate and have survived. So why now? Why fear? Why build all these walls around myself? Why have intimacy issues?

I therefore decided that for eternal happiness I was going to have to risk it. I was going to have to enjoy the sense of uncontrollable stress. Perhaps this is the anxious, warm feeling one feels in their belly when they are entering into a relationship. That same day, I put down the key deposit and got an extra key to my apartment. I crossed my fingers and gave in to the unknown. All I have to do is wait for a sensible time to give him the keys which he has requested.