Sense of Control

As you humans, we look into controlling everything. We invent electricity so that we can control light. We invent airplanes so we can control distance and travel. We invent cellphones so that we can control communications. We even look into controlling others.

Why is it that we cannot control the most fundamental things in our life; like love, guilt, loneliness, anger, jealousy, lust, hate and all our other emotions. We so often look to the exterior in order to solve out internal problems. We want to become rich so that we can become happy. We want others to love us because we want to know that we are worthy. Yet, because I know that I have no control over all those emotions I chose to hide them and at times run away from possibility of a relationship, of a friendship, of love.

I remember when I was young, I wasn't scared of loving someone and telling them my feelings. Then when the first break up happened. I learned a few different rules in life. A few break ups later I learned many lessons in life. People often said to me that at least we learn from our lesson. The truth is that, we don't. We become stronger because we build walls around us. We learn not to walk into the same situation again because we think it might be the same trap. We cover our wounds and remember the pain.

The question is are we really learning or are we so scared of losing control again that we prevent ourselves from getting into something great?

Since when did we have to wait for months before telling someone we liked them? Since when is being interested a preliminary stage before liking someone and that liking someone means it leads to a relationship? Since when is that the only time sex is sex is when there is anal penetration? Since when did I start believing and subscribing to these rules?

It has been almost two weeks since I started dating Mr. C. I see myself being scared. I knew I was walking into something that scares me. I knew that I would start to get jealous when I see him with someone else. I know that I would anger if he did something which lacked integrity. Most importantly I know that I would lie in bed wide awake at night thinking about things. I would feel that heat in my throat and that sense of urgency and loneliness if I don't see him for awhile. Tonight I was at the clubs with him and he was dancing with others and being quite intimate. When we left there was drama with him and others. We went to eat afterward and he didn't apologize but instead wanted me to believe that there was nothing going on with him and those people. I told him I believed him, but in the same time I told him that if he fool me once shame on me, but fool me twice shame on him.

Most importantly I knew that I would lose my sense of control if I was let my feelings free. As human, we love to control everything and want to know everything including how the other person feels right this minute. This is because control and information gives us security and time to react and put our guards up if need be. We haven't invented a way to control our emotions fully and maybe it is a good thing, because if we could the world wouldn't be the same. We will stop falling in love. We wouldn't try and taste the waters. We would learn to love what is good for us and not what make our heart pound and keep us awake at night. So maybe I could try to get some sleep tonight knowing that this sense of having inadequate control is actually a good thing.