Grief and Moving On

According to Oxford dictionary grief is defined as an intense sorrow, especially cause by someone's death. While Kübler-Ross states that the five stages of grief and the process in which we deal with such grief is denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. To me dealing with a breakup is like dealing with death. Death of a possibility. Death of a dream and hope.

It has been been more than half a year since I broke up with my ex. The sense of loss is still there. The emptiness and void still exists. Yet I still replay the scenario over and over again about all the what ifs and how it all happened. I do constantly rethink my decision and to make it harder I breach all the breakup rules. Such as not keeping my space and staying away from the ex and I think through everything too obsessively. It has also been difficult for me to deal with my rage and hate. Questions keeps repeating itself over and over in my head. How dare he break up with me after all that I have done?

Some urban myths states that the time it takes to get over someone is half the length of the relationship. My thought on that one is that the amount of time required to get over someone depends on how much you loved them. How much ground you have broken with them. It wouldn't have been as difficult if I haven't moved to a new city for him. Everything that I do, reminds me of him. From the first cafe we went, to the first restaurant, cinema, shopping centre and even grocery store. For quite sometime after the breakup. I had difficulties in eating at any restaurant I have been with him alone. It was too much pain for me and yet I see him moving on, making new friends and show interest in other people.

The question is why do some of us have so much trouble moving on?

For me, every relationship represented an ideology and a hope that Mr. Right is out there and that there is a chance of happiness and ever after for someone like myself. To be fine that the relationship failed miserably was a slap in the face that it was fine to let my dream slip through my hands. We don't like failures, because with each failure comes a realization that there was a mistake. We are also our worse enemies and we often point the finger at ourselves as though "told you so" and when we don't blame it on ourselves, we blame it on the other person. We are so blinded by the moment and by love that we give in and forget being sensible when we enter into relationships.

There is nothing profound I can say, except that as everyday goes by. I am starting to learn new things about myself. I start to ask myself why did I enter into that relationship in the first place. Was it due to my extreme desperation of being loved? Was is due to loneliness? Was it due to the fact that I was in another previous relationship and I was never loved there and therefore I transfer my expectations on to this one? Whatever it is, breakup and moving on teaches us who we are and despite the difficulty and at times repulsiveness of having to deal with it. It is makes us strong and also teach us that we are after all capable of loving.

Kübler-Ross' final stage of grief is acceptance. It is the final stage of the struggle and the biggest step of all, because we have let go and understand we no longer have control over the matter. Like a handkerchief being blow from our hand while standing on the edge of a cliff where the ocean meets. We felt the loss, we see the handkerchief disappearing. We know at this stage, there really isn't anything we can do anymore to retrieve that handkerchief that has blown into the sea. We know we will definitely miss that handkerchief especially with such deep sentimental value. Yet we have come to the realization that the chances of seeing it again is extremely slim.

For me, perhaps we got it all wrong. Maybe we should be celebrating the death of our relationships instead of grieving over it. As do some African cultures with the death of a loved one. To celebrate the good times and all the fond memories. And to that I make a toast to my ex Mr. G for being therefore me through all the good times, the kindness, the tenderness, the happiness and the laughters. The tears we shad, the joy we gained. I wish you all the best in the future and may the next one be kind to you.