Sense of Autonomy

If there was ever a handbook about dating that would ensure that everything worked out the way it is suppose to then I would buy it. For example, how long do you have to wait until it is appropriate to give your apartment keys to someone that has asked for them? How long do you have to wait until you tell that person that you love them without jeopardizing your relationship? How long do you have to wait until you can differentiate between love and lust? How do you know whether the relationship will last? Is there a flow chart that I can follow?

These questions kept going back and forth in my mind. I also didn't want to screw up this time as I know that I didn't do very well with the last relationship. So where do I get these answers? I searched high and low. I Googled, I Yahooed and Wikied. Then it dawned on me that I wasn't really looking for a valid answer to these questions, but rather that I felt if I did give in to another person, then my sense of autonomy would disappear.

According to Steve Maier at the University of Boulder, the degree of control that organisms exert over something, determines whether or not the stressor alters an organism's functioning. His findings indicate that only uncontrollable stress cause damaging effects. Uncontrollable stress can be destructive, whereas the same stress that feels escapable is less destructive, significantly so.

If this was true then uncontrollable stress in a relationship can be destructive, unless we have an escape clause. The problem is that once you enter into one, there is no escape clause. Breaking up isn't escaping because the damage if any would have already been done and the pain lingers long after and there is no easy way out of such pain. Thus, we are wary of giving our keys out with the fear that we would lose our sense of being able to control our relationship. We stop ourselves from using the "L" word because we know that once we give in we might lose more control. We know that the more factors we give away the less autonomy we have and therefore we step deeper into the unknown.

I guess this is why brides love planning their weddings, because it gives them some sense of where the relationship is heading and therefore taking away the unknown. It also gives them a great sense of control over their immediate destiny.

So what do we do? Is it therefore a question of autonomy versus a potential happily ever after? Mr. C once said to me, "Boundaries don't keep other people out, they fence you in. You can waste your lives drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them!" Is our fear of uncontrollable stress preventing us from something potentially beautiful? Many before me have tried and lived. Many times I, myself have attempted such fate and have survived. So why now? Why fear? Why build all these walls around myself? Why have intimacy issues?

I therefore decided that for eternal happiness I was going to have to risk it. I was going to have to enjoy the sense of uncontrollable stress. Perhaps this is the anxious, warm feeling one feels in their belly when they are entering into a relationship. That same day, I put down the key deposit and got an extra key to my apartment. I crossed my fingers and gave in to the unknown. All I have to do is wait for a sensible time to give him the keys which he has requested.

Sense of Guilt and Happiness

The Encyclopedia of Psychology defines guilt as a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes - accurately or not - that they have violated a moral standard, and is responsible for that violation.

It has been more than half a year since I have broken up with my ex and being on the single market and it has meant that I have opened up myself to a whole lot of possibilities. It has been a couple of weeks since I met Mr. C. He added me on Facebook and then I met him in person through a mutual friend. We showed interest in each other and I have grown quite fond of him. We have seen a movie, dined out together and spend more than a week in each other's presence. It seems like Mr. C has stayed in my apartment for a week and we were happy to just be with each other and for days we didn't even leave the apartment.

A couple of days ago, Mr. C requested that I change my relationship status on Facebook so that everyone could see that we are together and I did so in the spur of the moment. The update has severe consequences. Within minutes, people started commenting about my new relationship status. Then the next day Mr. G saw it on my Facebook page and sent his congrats. We texted each other a bit, but something wasn't the same. I felt ashamed, guilty and definitely as though I have violated a moral standard.

The question is how long is long enough for us to start dating other people without feeling guilty? How long is long enough to show respect to our previous relationship. Yes, it almost feels like asking, how long does a widow have to wait before having sex with another man, instead in our case, the ex really isn't dead yet.

The same day Mr. G sent his congrats, I send an email off to a mutual friend - Ken, explaining my dilemma. His response was that if the agreement is that we are only friends since the breakup then Mr. G should feel happy that I have moved on and into a new relationship. As sensible as his words were, I couldn't help but continue to feel guilty. In certain cultures authority states that one can only remarry after a year of mourning while other states that one should remarry as quickly as possible especially where young children are involved. In my case, there were no young children and my ex really isn't dead.

As Dr. Meredith Grey stated in an episode of Grey's Anatomy, "You don't get to call me a whore. When I met you, I thought I had found the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done. So all the boys, and all the bars, and all the obvious daddy issues, who cared? Because I was done. You left me. You chose Addison. I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a whore".

Similarly, he was the one that always wanted the break and wanted to move on. The one that make me move out. The one that first had sex with someone else. So I don't get to be the whore, feel dirty, ashamed of myself or guilty for choosing the way I repair myself.

Grief and Moving On

According to Oxford dictionary grief is defined as an intense sorrow, especially cause by someone's death. While Kübler-Ross states that the five stages of grief and the process in which we deal with such grief is denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. To me dealing with a breakup is like dealing with death. Death of a possibility. Death of a dream and hope.

It has been been more than half a year since I broke up with my ex. The sense of loss is still there. The emptiness and void still exists. Yet I still replay the scenario over and over again about all the what ifs and how it all happened. I do constantly rethink my decision and to make it harder I breach all the breakup rules. Such as not keeping my space and staying away from the ex and I think through everything too obsessively. It has also been difficult for me to deal with my rage and hate. Questions keeps repeating itself over and over in my head. How dare he break up with me after all that I have done?

Some urban myths states that the time it takes to get over someone is half the length of the relationship. My thought on that one is that the amount of time required to get over someone depends on how much you loved them. How much ground you have broken with them. It wouldn't have been as difficult if I haven't moved to a new city for him. Everything that I do, reminds me of him. From the first cafe we went, to the first restaurant, cinema, shopping centre and even grocery store. For quite sometime after the breakup. I had difficulties in eating at any restaurant I have been with him alone. It was too much pain for me and yet I see him moving on, making new friends and show interest in other people.

The question is why do some of us have so much trouble moving on?

For me, every relationship represented an ideology and a hope that Mr. Right is out there and that there is a chance of happiness and ever after for someone like myself. To be fine that the relationship failed miserably was a slap in the face that it was fine to let my dream slip through my hands. We don't like failures, because with each failure comes a realization that there was a mistake. We are also our worse enemies and we often point the finger at ourselves as though "told you so" and when we don't blame it on ourselves, we blame it on the other person. We are so blinded by the moment and by love that we give in and forget being sensible when we enter into relationships.

There is nothing profound I can say, except that as everyday goes by. I am starting to learn new things about myself. I start to ask myself why did I enter into that relationship in the first place. Was it due to my extreme desperation of being loved? Was is due to loneliness? Was it due to the fact that I was in another previous relationship and I was never loved there and therefore I transfer my expectations on to this one? Whatever it is, breakup and moving on teaches us who we are and despite the difficulty and at times repulsiveness of having to deal with it. It is makes us strong and also teach us that we are after all capable of loving.

Kübler-Ross' final stage of grief is acceptance. It is the final stage of the struggle and the biggest step of all, because we have let go and understand we no longer have control over the matter. Like a handkerchief being blow from our hand while standing on the edge of a cliff where the ocean meets. We felt the loss, we see the handkerchief disappearing. We know at this stage, there really isn't anything we can do anymore to retrieve that handkerchief that has blown into the sea. We know we will definitely miss that handkerchief especially with such deep sentimental value. Yet we have come to the realization that the chances of seeing it again is extremely slim.

For me, perhaps we got it all wrong. Maybe we should be celebrating the death of our relationships instead of grieving over it. As do some African cultures with the death of a loved one. To celebrate the good times and all the fond memories. And to that I make a toast to my ex Mr. G for being therefore me through all the good times, the kindness, the tenderness, the happiness and the laughters. The tears we shad, the joy we gained. I wish you all the best in the future and may the next one be kind to you.

Sense of Control

As you humans, we look into controlling everything. We invent electricity so that we can control light. We invent airplanes so we can control distance and travel. We invent cellphones so that we can control communications. We even look into controlling others.

Why is it that we cannot control the most fundamental things in our life; like love, guilt, loneliness, anger, jealousy, lust, hate and all our other emotions. We so often look to the exterior in order to solve out internal problems. We want to become rich so that we can become happy. We want others to love us because we want to know that we are worthy. Yet, because I know that I have no control over all those emotions I chose to hide them and at times run away from possibility of a relationship, of a friendship, of love.

I remember when I was young, I wasn't scared of loving someone and telling them my feelings. Then when the first break up happened. I learned a few different rules in life. A few break ups later I learned many lessons in life. People often said to me that at least we learn from our lesson. The truth is that, we don't. We become stronger because we build walls around us. We learn not to walk into the same situation again because we think it might be the same trap. We cover our wounds and remember the pain.

The question is are we really learning or are we so scared of losing control again that we prevent ourselves from getting into something great?

Since when did we have to wait for months before telling someone we liked them? Since when is being interested a preliminary stage before liking someone and that liking someone means it leads to a relationship? Since when is that the only time sex is sex is when there is anal penetration? Since when did I start believing and subscribing to these rules?

It has been almost two weeks since I started dating Mr. C. I see myself being scared. I knew I was walking into something that scares me. I knew that I would start to get jealous when I see him with someone else. I know that I would anger if he did something which lacked integrity. Most importantly I know that I would lie in bed wide awake at night thinking about things. I would feel that heat in my throat and that sense of urgency and loneliness if I don't see him for awhile. Tonight I was at the clubs with him and he was dancing with others and being quite intimate. When we left there was drama with him and others. We went to eat afterward and he didn't apologize but instead wanted me to believe that there was nothing going on with him and those people. I told him I believed him, but in the same time I told him that if he fool me once shame on me, but fool me twice shame on him.

Most importantly I knew that I would lose my sense of control if I was let my feelings free. As human, we love to control everything and want to know everything including how the other person feels right this minute. This is because control and information gives us security and time to react and put our guards up if need be. We haven't invented a way to control our emotions fully and maybe it is a good thing, because if we could the world wouldn't be the same. We will stop falling in love. We wouldn't try and taste the waters. We would learn to love what is good for us and not what make our heart pound and keep us awake at night. So maybe I could try to get some sleep tonight knowing that this sense of having inadequate control is actually a good thing.