Sense of Fear

President Roosevelt once said, "This great Nation will endure as it has endured, will revive and will prosper. So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance."

I think the President was right in that we all fear - fear itself. Nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror would paralyze us. One of the things that I have learned living a year here in America is that in order to progress in life and in order to be intimate with myself, one has be frank and work out why it is that one does certain things.

I fear of speaking to my parents because I know that I would be of a disappointment to them. I fear their judgement of me because some of the decisions I make in life are often irrational but based on love and feelings. I fear breaking up with people so I let them do the deed. This fear is rooted from the fact that I don't know whether I will be able to ever find love. I fear that if I lost this one than another one might never come along. Even thought at times I know the relationship is bad for me and I really wanted a get out.

So why do we fear? How do we get rid of fear? How do we set ourselves free? Most importantly how do we live fearlessly?

The truth is that we compromise, we pretend to be the person we want others to like and we dislike ourselves because we feel trapped. Looking back at the time and year I have been in Seattle, it wasn't the break up or leaving Seattle and go back home early that I was afraid of. Rather, I was afraid of the feeling and emotions which my action may have. I was afraid of the loneliness without my ex, I was afraid of hurt and sadness that may come with the breakup. I was afraid of never being able o find another in Australia. It is the potential feelings which I might have which I was afraid of. I also found that it isn't how others react which I was afraid of. I wasn't really afraid of how disappointed my parents were about me, but rather the anger, pain and sadness I get from how they perceive me.

In 1 John 4:18, it states, "There is no fear where love exists. Rather, perfect love banishes fear, for fear involves punishment, and the person who lives in fear has not been perfected in love.". Therefore to me it seems that our lives are rule by either love or fear. I therefore choice love and not fear. I think it is time for me to simply accept life. I know for every change there requires adjustments but I choice not to fear my emotions because it is a state of mind.

Making an Impact

Sometimes in life things happen that makes such a huge impact that your life is changed forever. You know that these memories will stay with you forever and you become emotional because they are the only thing you have left. Just memories that has changed your life. You know that nothing will ever be the same again.

A year ago when I arrived in Seattle I was well off, happy and ready to explore a part of me that I have never seen before. I graduated from a top law school in Australia and just started a relationship with Mr. G. I had an expectation of how life was to pan out and what the future was gonna hold for me. Though nothing turned out the way I had hope, it has has taught me many lessons. You win some in life and you lose some and fate has quite the humour in teaching you a lesson. Along the way some lessons might be hard to swallow while others may cause extreme heartache and the feeling that life can't go on, but at the end of the day what doesn't kill you makes you strong.

When Mr. G. and I broke up I thought life will never go on and that I have lost everything I came to Seattle for. Ironically, we are now close friends and even though romantically I no longer have that connection with him. I have gained a friend that has been through so much with me. Someone that has been through some hard times and been through some of the most emotionally times with me. Through the tears, the fights, the screams and the fun times. Yet, through all that we are still very close friends. I think it really shows someone's true characters to be able to maintain a friendship after so much when other would have given up already.

I think I will remember the good times more than the fights. I don't think I can recall any really. But what I do remember is the first new year eve I spent in Seattle, the pink pig car wash sign I saw while driving down Denny. Having my first chocolate martini at Dilettante or walking through Pike Place market in the cold and getting my Starbucks at the first original store. Even the simplest things of riding on the Seattle Lake Union Transit or the monorail from Westlake to Seattle Centre. These are the things that Seattleites take for granted and yet I have treasured every moment of in the year that I have been here. This is because I knew that my time will come to an end sooner or later. I was living on the grace of the US immigration.

For the past month I have wondered every time I walk pass something whether it will be the last time I will be able to see it. I wonder if it will still be there when I come back one day and if so how long will it take for me to be able to come back. Every time I saw a familiar face, I don't want to say goodbye and I always give them a huge hug when I do, because I never know whether it will be my last time. Take for instance Mr. C. whom has started dating others already, I still like to think that we can be great friends and even though I know that he no longer cares about me in the way I still about him. I still think of the things we did together and the great memories we had.

Sometimes, I like to think that I have made an impact here in Seattle and have somehow affected the lives of others. The true is that when I have left and when the sun comes up the day after, they lives will still move on. Yet, the sad thing is that as a matter of fact, it is Seattle and its wonderful people (though at times full of drama) has made a long lasting impression and great impact of my life.

I think I will miss being able to see the Space Needle from afar when I walk downtown. I think I will miss being so close to Pike Place Market. I think I will miss going to R Place, the Chapel, Madison Pub and the Cuff. I think I will miss the rain. Above all I will miss my friends.

Sense of Relieve

As fast as the warm weather came and the blossoms appear, the weather was just as fast to turn again upon us here in Seattle. It is once again cold, rainy and surprisingly it snowed last week again and yet it is already mid March. It is amazing how fast things can change in a short period of time. It feels like winter again and yet I so desperately want to see a glimpse of summer before I leave this beautiful city.

Mr C. and I broke up last Saturday and it has been a week already and I feel fine. I feel a sense of relieve and that everything will be okay. I also know that rationally this was the right decision for the both of us. I think I hinted several time and that it was very brave of him finally do the deed and I am very grateful as such. He invited me to have dim sum the next day, but I declined as I think it would be awkward to have lunch with his friends especially given the circumstances. He contacted me on Wednesday to see if we would hang out. That didn't happen as he got back to Seattle late. I also tried to make an effort to hang out again, but that also didn't happen. I didn't contact him for a few days after the break up as I wanted to give him time to recover. I think emotionally it might be slightly too soon for him and I know that he get frustrated easily.

I once spoke to a psychic and counsellor. She told me that we all go into a relationship for a specific purpose. It is up to us to figure out why we did so before we can move on. It is our way have closure and to learn about ourselves. In an interview with Oprah, Pink states that "I don't believe you" was the most humble song she has ever written. In reference to her breakup for a year, she states that she spent six year trying to change someone else and is a distraction for not looking at herself. Her father told her that if you could list 20 things you want in a person then make sure you have all of those first and she didn't. Oprah believes that the true meaning of a relationship is about learning who you are first so you can be more intimate with your true self and with somebody else. Pink explains that you can learn more about yourself in a context of a relationship than outside of it. A lot of people like to start over, but then come to the same problem. Oprah states that is what true spiritual partnership is about, learning about yourself.

Whilst, I do not think that I should return to the same relationship with any of my exs, I do however agree that one can learn an awful lot about oneself and that it is necessary to learn from this before one can move on. The question now is, how intimate, honest and frank do we need to be with ourselves? If we admit to ourselves our weakness then how fragile would we feel to ourselves? This is because we are our own biggest enemy and we are our worse critics at times. I also often believe that the reason people break are often not those represented on the day. The reason we often list aren't always the ones we really know deep down as what they should be.

It might take time before I am able to completely answer those questions. A week, a month or years. However, on another note, the breakup has given me less to think about and I am actually rather relieve as this will allow me to focus on my return to Australia and look for a job there. I have already started the job hunting process. I think it has all been a mixed blessing. Mr C has helped me in overcoming Mr G and I feel that I can really move on now. It also feels like I have some weight lifted off my shoulders. I know that Mr C is back on the game and has also moved on as he is on dating websites again. I think I am happy that he can move on quickly and I will always remember him and the happy moments we have shared in the short period of time we have been together.

I really don't think that he is emotionally ready for a relationship though his loneliness makes him seek a relationship. I also think he was really emotionally scared and never believed in love. Perhaps he said so because he was guarding himself much better than I thought. I think I could go on listing things, but I think it would give me better peace to just remember the good times.

Spring is Here

Over the weekend I went to Coulon Beach with my friend Steven. The sun was out and the flowers were starting to blossom. It reminds me of when I arrived in Seattle. Who would have predicted everything that has happened in the past year. I have been in love, got heartbroken, dated, fell in love again and now wondering where life will take me.

It is as though mother nature is telling me that everything has a cycle and that it will all be okay. Love will go and it will come again. Autumn will come and winter will freeze everything, but spring will come again.

Sense of "I can't do it"

I have always been taught that the man that moved the mountain started with a stone. The word "can't" should not be in one's vocabulary and that if there is a will then there is a way. It is pretty much dependent on one's commitment to something and if you put your heart to something then great walls can be built and they can be moved too.

For the first time in my life I feel like I just can't do it anymore. The whole relationship thing. It takes too much out of me and drains me of who I am and what I want to be. I am the type of guy that changes my life for the other person and I am pretty much what one would describe as a doormat. A good welcoming doormat with nice pile and the word WELCOME written all over it.

When I was in Australia, I went through a year of postgraduate school to become a high school teacher in order to get my visa so that I could stay with my then boyfriend, whom I was eventually together for eight years. I didn't enjoy teaching at all. When I found my second boyfriend, I moved across the globe to Seattle for him and we all know how that one ended. Now with the third one I am wondering whether I should stay in Seattle for him after my visa expires in a month time. It means giving up my career of becoming a lawyer in Australia and not utilising my law degree for which I went to university for several years for.

The truth is that how many times do you look at someone and you have the feeling that you want to be with them for a very long time? How often do you miss someone when they don't see you for a day. Whether it is lust or love, the feeling cannot be denied. It is that feeling that many of us seem to long for. How do we know that the next one will come along when you skip this one or quit on this one? How does one know if you will be able to feel the same way about another person again?

The current boyfriend have always told me that love hurts. Tonight was the first time I agreed with him. Simply because it hurts to love him, not because I dislike him or that he is breaking my heart, but simply because I know that in 8 weeks I won't be able to live in America. It hurts because I want to be with him so bad and yet I can't!

So I can't do it. I can't be okay with being with someone I love so much and having to let him go. I can't be emotionally prepared for a huge fall and heartache. I can't be left wondering what ever happened to Mr. C and whether he is still okay and whether he has found love when I am old and all grey. I can't prepare myself for not being psychologically damaged. I can't be okay for not being able to see him whenever I want to. I can't be okay for not listening to his stories. I can't be okay with him playing games with me, hugs me, cuddle with me or kissing me. I can't be okay with never be able to argue with him or have fights with him again. I can't not be okay with any of this. I can't do it.

Tonight as he fell asleep next to me, my tears rolled down my eyes. Lot of it, he didn't know I was crying as the lights were out. I turned to Mr. C and I asked him, "can you promise me something." and in his sleepy voice he replied, "what". I told him that I wanted him to always remember that I love him and that roses by any other name would still be a rose. That love by any other word still would mean the same thing. So as I left the bedroom quietly to finish this blog, I keep wondering what the future holds for me. I always feel much better after typing this out, even though I know that it is just lost in cyber space and no one actually reads it.

Sense of Loss

A sense of loss to me, is a profound fear and detrimental feeling that something might come to an end and that you will no longer have it. My sense of loss is current, even thought I know that the deprivation will occur in the future. Must all good things come to an end? Must we all lose before we are able to gain?

Since Mr. C has became my boyfriend, there is not one single day that I have not had a profound sense of loss. Perhaps the sense of loss is not so much that I have lost something in the relationship but the fear that the relationship will come to an end. For nearly a month I have told him that I will stay in America, but life isn't so simple for a poor foreigner with very little options. I need to find a job that will be able to sponsor my visa. Without such job, my promises to stay is really void. Despite the fact that I have tried to look for jobs. There just aren't any out there that would meet the criteria for a E-3 Visa and therefore staying in America would not be an option. I have attempted to tell him to come to Australia with me, but he has declined. Unlike Australia, there is also no options for gay couples to apply for a visa. Also, the relationship is still at an early stage and I kept telling myself that I should leave America and follow my career in Australia. After all, I do have a law degree and business degree. I would also love to find a job as a lawyer.

Though he doesn't know it, everyday I look at him in the morning and I dread the innocent look he gives me as I know that in a couple of months I will have to leave. At night when he falls asleep next to me, I want to wake him up and tell him to talk to me a little longer. I don't want it all to end. I dream that some miracle will happen and that someone will offer me a job or that miraculously after writing a letter to Oprah Winfrey a job opportunity will come along.

The sad reality is that I don't know how to break the news to him. I have been denying it in order to enter into a relationship with him. I have been denying it to myself because I don't want it to end for me. When we are growing up, we hope to find the perfect man. When we get a little bit older we want to find Mr Right. It is rare and not very often that someone you think so right and so good a match will come along. I pray to God everyday as I fall asleep with teary eyes begging for mercy. I wake up to Mr. C's alarm as he leaves for work in the morning and I feel like I have lost a bit of myself as he closes that door behind himself.

So right now, I feel as thought I have came to a cross road. Without any options and with very little hope. I don't really know what to do as my sense of loss becomes greater and greater. I have also became more and more anxious everyday.

I also believed that when one door closes another opens. It is God's way of not ending one's road. For me Mr. C was a new door opening and I don't want this one to shut. So for now I will continue to pray and continue to dread what lies ahead. Does all good things have to come to an end? Why me? Why now?

Sense of Autonomy

If there was ever a handbook about dating that would ensure that everything worked out the way it is suppose to then I would buy it. For example, how long do you have to wait until it is appropriate to give your apartment keys to someone that has asked for them? How long do you have to wait until you tell that person that you love them without jeopardizing your relationship? How long do you have to wait until you can differentiate between love and lust? How do you know whether the relationship will last? Is there a flow chart that I can follow?

These questions kept going back and forth in my mind. I also didn't want to screw up this time as I know that I didn't do very well with the last relationship. So where do I get these answers? I searched high and low. I Googled, I Yahooed and Wikied. Then it dawned on me that I wasn't really looking for a valid answer to these questions, but rather that I felt if I did give in to another person, then my sense of autonomy would disappear.

According to Steve Maier at the University of Boulder, the degree of control that organisms exert over something, determines whether or not the stressor alters an organism's functioning. His findings indicate that only uncontrollable stress cause damaging effects. Uncontrollable stress can be destructive, whereas the same stress that feels escapable is less destructive, significantly so.

If this was true then uncontrollable stress in a relationship can be destructive, unless we have an escape clause. The problem is that once you enter into one, there is no escape clause. Breaking up isn't escaping because the damage if any would have already been done and the pain lingers long after and there is no easy way out of such pain. Thus, we are wary of giving our keys out with the fear that we would lose our sense of being able to control our relationship. We stop ourselves from using the "L" word because we know that once we give in we might lose more control. We know that the more factors we give away the less autonomy we have and therefore we step deeper into the unknown.

I guess this is why brides love planning their weddings, because it gives them some sense of where the relationship is heading and therefore taking away the unknown. It also gives them a great sense of control over their immediate destiny.

So what do we do? Is it therefore a question of autonomy versus a potential happily ever after? Mr. C once said to me, "Boundaries don't keep other people out, they fence you in. You can waste your lives drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them!" Is our fear of uncontrollable stress preventing us from something potentially beautiful? Many before me have tried and lived. Many times I, myself have attempted such fate and have survived. So why now? Why fear? Why build all these walls around myself? Why have intimacy issues?

I therefore decided that for eternal happiness I was going to have to risk it. I was going to have to enjoy the sense of uncontrollable stress. Perhaps this is the anxious, warm feeling one feels in their belly when they are entering into a relationship. That same day, I put down the key deposit and got an extra key to my apartment. I crossed my fingers and gave in to the unknown. All I have to do is wait for a sensible time to give him the keys which he has requested.

Sense of Guilt and Happiness

The Encyclopedia of Psychology defines guilt as a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realizes or believes - accurately or not - that they have violated a moral standard, and is responsible for that violation.

It has been more than half a year since I have broken up with my ex and being on the single market and it has meant that I have opened up myself to a whole lot of possibilities. It has been a couple of weeks since I met Mr. C. He added me on Facebook and then I met him in person through a mutual friend. We showed interest in each other and I have grown quite fond of him. We have seen a movie, dined out together and spend more than a week in each other's presence. It seems like Mr. C has stayed in my apartment for a week and we were happy to just be with each other and for days we didn't even leave the apartment.

A couple of days ago, Mr. C requested that I change my relationship status on Facebook so that everyone could see that we are together and I did so in the spur of the moment. The update has severe consequences. Within minutes, people started commenting about my new relationship status. Then the next day Mr. G saw it on my Facebook page and sent his congrats. We texted each other a bit, but something wasn't the same. I felt ashamed, guilty and definitely as though I have violated a moral standard.

The question is how long is long enough for us to start dating other people without feeling guilty? How long is long enough to show respect to our previous relationship. Yes, it almost feels like asking, how long does a widow have to wait before having sex with another man, instead in our case, the ex really isn't dead yet.

The same day Mr. G sent his congrats, I send an email off to a mutual friend - Ken, explaining my dilemma. His response was that if the agreement is that we are only friends since the breakup then Mr. G should feel happy that I have moved on and into a new relationship. As sensible as his words were, I couldn't help but continue to feel guilty. In certain cultures authority states that one can only remarry after a year of mourning while other states that one should remarry as quickly as possible especially where young children are involved. In my case, there were no young children and my ex really isn't dead.

As Dr. Meredith Grey stated in an episode of Grey's Anatomy, "You don't get to call me a whore. When I met you, I thought I had found the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done. So all the boys, and all the bars, and all the obvious daddy issues, who cared? Because I was done. You left me. You chose Addison. I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a whore".

Similarly, he was the one that always wanted the break and wanted to move on. The one that make me move out. The one that first had sex with someone else. So I don't get to be the whore, feel dirty, ashamed of myself or guilty for choosing the way I repair myself.

Grief and Moving On

According to Oxford dictionary grief is defined as an intense sorrow, especially cause by someone's death. While Kübler-Ross states that the five stages of grief and the process in which we deal with such grief is denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. To me dealing with a breakup is like dealing with death. Death of a possibility. Death of a dream and hope.

It has been been more than half a year since I broke up with my ex. The sense of loss is still there. The emptiness and void still exists. Yet I still replay the scenario over and over again about all the what ifs and how it all happened. I do constantly rethink my decision and to make it harder I breach all the breakup rules. Such as not keeping my space and staying away from the ex and I think through everything too obsessively. It has also been difficult for me to deal with my rage and hate. Questions keeps repeating itself over and over in my head. How dare he break up with me after all that I have done?

Some urban myths states that the time it takes to get over someone is half the length of the relationship. My thought on that one is that the amount of time required to get over someone depends on how much you loved them. How much ground you have broken with them. It wouldn't have been as difficult if I haven't moved to a new city for him. Everything that I do, reminds me of him. From the first cafe we went, to the first restaurant, cinema, shopping centre and even grocery store. For quite sometime after the breakup. I had difficulties in eating at any restaurant I have been with him alone. It was too much pain for me and yet I see him moving on, making new friends and show interest in other people.

The question is why do some of us have so much trouble moving on?

For me, every relationship represented an ideology and a hope that Mr. Right is out there and that there is a chance of happiness and ever after for someone like myself. To be fine that the relationship failed miserably was a slap in the face that it was fine to let my dream slip through my hands. We don't like failures, because with each failure comes a realization that there was a mistake. We are also our worse enemies and we often point the finger at ourselves as though "told you so" and when we don't blame it on ourselves, we blame it on the other person. We are so blinded by the moment and by love that we give in and forget being sensible when we enter into relationships.

There is nothing profound I can say, except that as everyday goes by. I am starting to learn new things about myself. I start to ask myself why did I enter into that relationship in the first place. Was it due to my extreme desperation of being loved? Was is due to loneliness? Was it due to the fact that I was in another previous relationship and I was never loved there and therefore I transfer my expectations on to this one? Whatever it is, breakup and moving on teaches us who we are and despite the difficulty and at times repulsiveness of having to deal with it. It is makes us strong and also teach us that we are after all capable of loving.

Kübler-Ross' final stage of grief is acceptance. It is the final stage of the struggle and the biggest step of all, because we have let go and understand we no longer have control over the matter. Like a handkerchief being blow from our hand while standing on the edge of a cliff where the ocean meets. We felt the loss, we see the handkerchief disappearing. We know at this stage, there really isn't anything we can do anymore to retrieve that handkerchief that has blown into the sea. We know we will definitely miss that handkerchief especially with such deep sentimental value. Yet we have come to the realization that the chances of seeing it again is extremely slim.

For me, perhaps we got it all wrong. Maybe we should be celebrating the death of our relationships instead of grieving over it. As do some African cultures with the death of a loved one. To celebrate the good times and all the fond memories. And to that I make a toast to my ex Mr. G for being therefore me through all the good times, the kindness, the tenderness, the happiness and the laughters. The tears we shad, the joy we gained. I wish you all the best in the future and may the next one be kind to you.

Sense of Control

As you humans, we look into controlling everything. We invent electricity so that we can control light. We invent airplanes so we can control distance and travel. We invent cellphones so that we can control communications. We even look into controlling others.

Why is it that we cannot control the most fundamental things in our life; like love, guilt, loneliness, anger, jealousy, lust, hate and all our other emotions. We so often look to the exterior in order to solve out internal problems. We want to become rich so that we can become happy. We want others to love us because we want to know that we are worthy. Yet, because I know that I have no control over all those emotions I chose to hide them and at times run away from possibility of a relationship, of a friendship, of love.

I remember when I was young, I wasn't scared of loving someone and telling them my feelings. Then when the first break up happened. I learned a few different rules in life. A few break ups later I learned many lessons in life. People often said to me that at least we learn from our lesson. The truth is that, we don't. We become stronger because we build walls around us. We learn not to walk into the same situation again because we think it might be the same trap. We cover our wounds and remember the pain.

The question is are we really learning or are we so scared of losing control again that we prevent ourselves from getting into something great?

Since when did we have to wait for months before telling someone we liked them? Since when is being interested a preliminary stage before liking someone and that liking someone means it leads to a relationship? Since when is that the only time sex is sex is when there is anal penetration? Since when did I start believing and subscribing to these rules?

It has been almost two weeks since I started dating Mr. C. I see myself being scared. I knew I was walking into something that scares me. I knew that I would start to get jealous when I see him with someone else. I know that I would anger if he did something which lacked integrity. Most importantly I know that I would lie in bed wide awake at night thinking about things. I would feel that heat in my throat and that sense of urgency and loneliness if I don't see him for awhile. Tonight I was at the clubs with him and he was dancing with others and being quite intimate. When we left there was drama with him and others. We went to eat afterward and he didn't apologize but instead wanted me to believe that there was nothing going on with him and those people. I told him I believed him, but in the same time I told him that if he fool me once shame on me, but fool me twice shame on him.

Most importantly I knew that I would lose my sense of control if I was let my feelings free. As human, we love to control everything and want to know everything including how the other person feels right this minute. This is because control and information gives us security and time to react and put our guards up if need be. We haven't invented a way to control our emotions fully and maybe it is a good thing, because if we could the world wouldn't be the same. We will stop falling in love. We wouldn't try and taste the waters. We would learn to love what is good for us and not what make our heart pound and keep us awake at night. So maybe I could try to get some sleep tonight knowing that this sense of having inadequate control is actually a good thing.